I Chose To Die

Summary: All I want to do is just stop this feeling, this desperate love I feel for you! I will stop it; tonight. Something I wrote in a plight of uncontrollable angst. I thought rather than cut, I'd write how I feel and post it.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Swearing, blood, character death. Extreme angst and depression from the bottom of my heart

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I’m going to sit here and look at you but it’s not really you, it’s just a picture. I’m going to sit here and talk to you, but it’s not really you, it’s just a picture. I’m going to sit here and hold you close to me but it’s not really you, it’s still that same fucking picture. Just an imagine of you frozen in time from what seems like so long ago but was mere months. There you stand, long black hair flowing around your pale, flawless skin, eyes rimmed in the deepest obsidian I’ve ever seen, silver shirt shimmering, your hands upon your hips as you look sexily at me through this piece of flimsy paper. All I want to do is kiss you.

All I want to do is kill you.

You promised me you’d never forget. You promised me you’d be there for me, for us, forever. We would never be abandoned. You lied. You lied. You lied.

You make me so angry. You make me so sad. You make me feel like the world is ending but it’s just begun. It’s dark during the day and it’s cold in the height of summer all because of you and you don’t even care; you’ll never care.

So that is why I’m here now but not for much longer.

I’m so in love with you, do you know that, Bill? You make my body go weak and my mind turn to jelly. I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything because I’m so in love with you. I don’t care who you are; I don’t care that you are Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel; you could be the Queen of fucking England or the guy who lives beneath me for all I care because I’m just in love with you. But for you I don’t exist and I never will.

You told me “wenn ich nicht mehr kann denke ich daran,” that was a lie!

You told me “Ich will mit keiner ausser dir,” that was a lie!

You told me “Dann sind wir endlich frei,” that was a lie!

You told me “Wir schaffen es zusammen übers Ende dieser Welt,” and that was the biggest lie of them all!

We will never be together Bill, no matter how strongly I feel for you. No matter how much I yearn for you, no matter how much I know that truly I am just the kind of girl you need; not a fan girl, not a groupie, not some obsessed freak, just a girl who has been touched by your lyrics, your voice, your personality.

Just another girl who has been roped in my the show you put on.

Not anymore. I know how to be free, I know how to escape your hold, I know how to stop my heart beating for you. I just have to stop it completely. I can do it, I know how. I will stop loving you, I will stop bleeding for you, crying for you, living for you, dying for you. It will end; tonight.

1000 Meere plays in the background as I look down at your beautiful face; so beautiful it hurts. I can’t look at you anymore! In a fit of rage I tear the picture before me into thousands of tiny little pieces and throw them away from me, watching as they flutter around me, raining down upon me.

I still haven’t managed to fight this storm and find a place where the rain won’t hurt. Even in this rain of paper pieces it still hurts.

I can still see your beautiful, hazel eye before me. It’s the right one, the left was covered by your hair. Even in tiny pieces you still pierce my heart with that look, with those eyes. I turn away, I can’t look at you anymore.

I reach blindly ahead of me until my fingers slide across something cold and metallic. I close my hand around the slim, long handled, serrated knife normally used for slicing tender, dead flesh but now will be used to slice the living.

I can feel myself crying but it doesn’t register anymore. I’ve cried so many tears over you; useless tears because you don’t care and you never will. Money, fame, glory, Comets, perfection; that’s what you care about and I am none of these. I never will be rich or famous, glory will never come my way nor will awards and I am far from perfect.

What do I mean to you? Am I just another random girl in a sea of thousands? Will you care about my death? Will you ever find out about it? Will it even matter to you that I loved you so much the world had to end for my love to stop?!

Now I’m looking at the gleaming knife which feels so heavy in my hands. It shimmers like glass, like silver, like that jacket you wore. Even the knife with which I’m ending my pitiless existence reminds me of you! Why won’t you just get out of my head? Get out! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!

I never asked to love you, I never wanted this. Why would I want to love someone I’ll never meet? None of us will ever meet you and even if we do, we will never be as close to you as we all dream of being. It doesn’t happen like that, it never will. You will never love us though we love you more than anything in this world. It is all a lie we feed ourselves, hoping that one day you will love us, Tom will love us, Georg will love us, Gustav will love us. None of you will ever love us, we are all lying to ourselves! Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, LIES

I love you more than my own life, that is why I’m taking it.

I’m sick. I’m not just going to die, I’m going to be mutilated too. The first cuts are made. They eventually form a crude ‘R’ followed by an ‘E’ then a ‘T’. Can you guess what it says yet? By the time I’m done, the white sheets are staining red and the knife has lost its gleam but the mutilations are done.

Rette mich.

It fits.

I wrote about this once only she didn’t kill herself, she was killed, killed for you, because of you. It’s like I told the future; my future.

The knife is poised over my wrists now, over the blue veins which, once sliced open will allow me to slip into oblivion. I’m going to jump Bill. You once said ‘Spring ich für dich’, are you going to? Are you going to jump for me, Bill? Are you going to die for me?! Are you going to care. No, of course you aren’t; why would you?

No more. It has to end.

In one fell swoop, the serrated edges bursts through the skin on my wrists, cutting deep, revealing the flesh and passing through the layers of muscle. I keep cutting until I can’t get any deeper. I need to do the other one, so that it goes quicker but my left hand won’t move properly. Nerve damage maybe. All I can manage is a few shallow nicks and cuts. My body is screaming in pain and I want to scream with it, but I can’t. Screaming reminds me of you, and this is meant to be my way of escaping you.

I think it will work, I can already feel the pain and suffering over you vanishing. There’s not much left in me now except a dull, lifeless throb emanating throughout my body. I feel cold, empty. I never wanted to die alone, I never wanted to die without you but you left me no choice. It was either live with the burning, aching, desperate yearning inside me or die alone, cold and lost.

I chose to die.

ooommmgggggg i llllooooovvvveeee it chloe!!!!
It AAAMMMAAAZZIINNGNGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe.. i'm crying and i can't stop.. i know how you feel, which is horrible. There are so many strong intensive feelings which i feel, and you feel them too, and im scared to imagine how many other girls feel that way..
Bill has an effect on so many people.. It makes me feel horrified to think about it. Such strong feelings arent unique anymore. I feel them, you feel them, others too.

I'm so scared that we are all the same for him, fans who scream when they see him..
I'm so scared.. i'm going to shut the hell up now.
See you later today..

Chloe this made me cry too =[

Beutifully written as always, full of emotions that love (esp. for Bill) makes you feel =[

I felt this way before.... until I met a special person...

Tough my love for Bill will never die.... but now i love him in another form.... he, his band, his lyrics, the crazy things his does helped me.. and still help me when i am alone and lost and I feel like i don't have anything left =[

And i do know other people that feel this way. And its really bad because we hurt ourseleves because of HIM and he doesn t even know us.

All we can do is hope.. =[

PS: If you ever need something just talk to me... maybe i dont know you and stuff but i know the things you feel and maybe i can help ...=[

I like the story,
But I don't like it when people cut over him.
I mean it's not his fault.
He can't meet every girl that likes him.
At least if you don't cut which you could kill yourself of you'd get to see him at a concert or something, and I bet he wouldn't like it if he knew you cut for him.
And we say you cut for HIM it's not for him he still can't do anything so it's not for him.

Just My Opinion.

Thank you all for reading this. I never meant to make anyone cry but it touches my heart to know that my writing is powerful enough to elicit such strong emotions in you. Your kind words and praise really help me to know that I'm on the right track and if I ever do manage to became a published writer, it will be down to the fact that the praise you give me, gives me the strength to keep on writing even when writer's block is being a bitch and killing!

I never meant to make anyone think I cut for him though. I haven't physically hurt myself in years and when i used to it was because of physical and mental abuse I was suffering at the hands of those who claimed to love me most. i think cutting over a boy like Bill is really insane as statistics show that in this lifetime, he will only meet just under 10% of his fans because there are so many of us. I wrote this to show the depths to which someone will go to get away from that love which can end up being extremely harmful to one's state of mind, maybe even as a warning. We all know someone who feels like this about a boy, be it Bill, Gerard Way, some guy in class or whatever and perhaps at one point we've all felt like this as well; I can admit I have and thankfully I had a friend there to help me when I eventually fell. Had that friend not been there for me, then yes, I would've met my demise (it wasn't over Bill, it was another guy I just thought I'd rope Tokio Hotel into this as well as it's a TH forum ).

and those who do hurt themselves because of Bill, it's rarely for him, but rather because of him and even that is untrue as it's not as though he has done something to them, but rather they feel inadequate and hopeless. It's easier to face physical pain than mental pain as physical heals after a few weeks or months, mental rarely does in such a short span.

Once again thank you all for reading this. I love you guys so much *Huggles and glomps all the readers whilst handing out giant, Bill, Tom, Georg and Gustav shaped cookies!*

do u know how much i LOVE you Chloe?
this is what i needed. hopefully u've read the msg i sent u...so u will know why i wrote this.

keep on writing like the way u do...and i'll be the first one to buy ur book hun...whenevr u manage to finish it.